Ummm…ok.

So since my most recent ex has finally unsubscribed from my blog to “give me my privacy” I’m going to assume that at this point in time he’s also quit reading this all together and I can write in my own damn journal about the whole experience of what he’s done recently that totally wasn’t cool!

July 4th is an old anniversary of ours.  It had significance to us. We didn’t make a big deal of it, but we acknowledged it every year.  On this year July 4th marked nearly 6 full weeks since I’d requested that Omar not contact me in any way whatsoever.  How’s that for independence?!  It had been a rough 6 weeks, but the best 6 weeks in terms of getting some clarity about our breakup and how I would get through it.  But on July 4th he felt it was absolutely pertinent that he comment on my blog (the one about being a great conversationalist/listener – the irony is fucking killing me).   It wasn’t just any comment – it was a sentimental one about how he wasn’t always a good listener when we were together, but that he learned a lot from me and that he was “still listening”. *smh* Oh no, my brother. You’re still hearing what you want to hear.

I didn’t post the comment. I deleted it. I didn’t acknowledge him in any way after that. When I read the comment that night I just burst into tears. I felt like he just would never leave me the fuck alone and let me heal all the way. I was so close then, and he just HAD to disrespect my request that he not speak to me and he HAD to say something sentimental and it HAD to be on the anniversary of the day he found me.  He’s consistently tried to impede my progress in this breakup. The only time I had some measure of control was during those 6 weeks when he was busy falling crazy in love with his new girlfriend – honestly, I almost love her for keeping him away from me long enough that I could do this.  After he left that comment, I picked myself up quickly. I had come too far for this shit.

The 2 weeks since that day have been monumental, life-altering good. Those 2 weeks were what brought on my last post celebrating my feelings of liberation. But he couldn’t let me have that. Despite the fact that I turned my comments off, Omar couldn’t stop himself from sending me an email about the post – wait – I’m sorry, about what he THOUGHT that post meant.  When I saw that email I just shook my head. It wasn’t even unexpected. Instead of him being happy about my progress, he somehow thought I must be pining for his ass still.  The entire email was about a) why we broke up, b) a conversation we had from a little under 2 months after our breakup that he felt was relevant, c) how we both don’t need each other and that he didn’t worry about me shutting him out of my life, but he worried that I *wouldn’t* shut him out because it meant we couldn’t have a good friendship someday and d) how dysfunctional that was because we have so many mutual friends.

In my reply I broke it down for him. I am so far beyond WHY we broke up that I’m not even angry or hurt by it anymore. Pretty sure my recent post made it clear how happy I was to be single and free. And I mean it. These days I find that I’m smiling to myself for no reason at all.  And as for the old ass conversation he has sticking out in his mind about how I said he took something from me – again, allow me to cite my previous post because it’s a clear progression from then – I said I GAVE things up for him. Total ownership of what I did wrong in our relationship.  Omar didn’t take nothin’ I wasn’t already giving away.  What with all the apparent listening skills dude “learned” from me, he didn’t listen to a damn thing in that post.

When he said, “I’m more afraid if one day you choose not to shut me out how we would manage that kind of friendship,” I realized that he just hasn’t experienced the mourning process involved in the loss of our relationship. He immediately got involved with someone else (hello, same mistake he made when he got with me), and didn’t take his time to get through the letting go process. He kept talking about what we had as “experiences” rather than a well-developed relationship (uhm, hi, yeah – we were looking at houses together. That’s not just a pleasant experience we shared).  But whatever it takes to distance him from his feelings, though.  We were both self-proclaimed soul mates. We were best friends.  I went through a lot of crying nights dealing with the loss of both my best friend and my closest lover, but you better believe I did deal with it.  That sentence told me he still thinks I will always have that love for him, that our friendship would be weird because of it. I set him straight in my reply. He does not have that hold over me anymore.

As for a friendship between us, I told him I wasn’t ready for it yet. I said he wasn’t ready yet either.  And when we were ready, it would happen naturally.  Right now, I’m just doing me.  I can’t be friends with him until HE does HIM or until a considerable amount of time has passed to the point that I forget the way he handled me during this breakup – the way he just wouldn’t let me be, the way he placed his own need to say things to me before my need to heal fully, the way he is still a smug motherfucker in an email that he thought would be helpful to me.  The first helpful thing would have been to honor my request to be left the fuck alone.

I told him he need not worry about  us falling back in love again.  That much I am certain of. Here’s why – it would take Omar humbling himself enough to be honest with himself about the things he’s done and address his true feelings for him to become a person I’d see as desirable. That would take a miracle for him – so much honesty and self-work.  At best we could be friends. But I will never feel the admiration and love I once did for him. Ever.

The best thing that could happen for him in terms of me is that one day I look at him and I don’t see our past or this breakup, that I only see a man. Keep emailing me about bullshit and that will never happen.