When the rain washes you clean, you’ll know.
There are several ways I know I’m getting close to being totally over “it”. The old me has begun seeping in so subtly – so beautifully. It’s been months since I had to worry and wonder if he was telling me the truth about anything, if he’d actually slept with the woman he went home with that night, if I was truly enough for him. Until I cut him out of my life completely, I couldn’t free myself from that worry or from his constant need to be dishonest with me to protect his self-image. I don’t care anymore. I didn’t cause those problems. I accepted them and believed in his better nature against my own better judgement. I made excuses for him and settled for less. I’ve forgiven myself for that.
Lately I watch in amazement as these pieces of myself, the ones I gave so freely to him, return to me slowly – in grains, like sand. Each one that returns is a celebration inside for me. I’m amazed that I was strong enough to finally let go of my soul mate, walk this earth afterward, and still manage to believe in love. There were weeks that passed that I wondered why this breakup went so slowly for me. But now I realize and appreciate the pace at which this is has gone. Every painful step has been a gift and a testament to my resolve. I never tried to speed it up (but, oh, how I wished it would), always stayed true to who I knew I once was, and I didn’t try to tell myself that I was over him and jam someone else in the gaping hole he left behind. I’ve been filling it in myself.
For a long time I was afraid to let go because I knew that when I did, it would indefinitely shut him out of my life. I think this fact is what scared him too. I am not someone anyone wants out of his life. I know my value, and so does everyone who knows me. When I deal with my feelings, I do it thoroughly. I make sure I’m ok in every aspect as I move on. There is no feeling I haven’t examined and dealt with. I explore every part of me, and I value every single little bit of myself that has made its way back to me. I will never forget the way I gave these things up for him. Ever.
All of this leaves me secure in the knowledge that I do not have any need for a partner in my life. I never will NEED anyone. I’m enough. And I’m not saying I won’t ever want to be in a relationship with someone or that I don’t want love. I’m saying there’s no outstanding unmet need, no loneliness, no fear, no worry or wonder about my future. I’m not chasing a dream or distracting myself. I’m comfortable – and it has nothing to do with another human being. I created it myself.
